Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
