Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
