Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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