i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
