I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
