he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
