When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
