Can i not drive my cunt home
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
