I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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