She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
