The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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