you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
