she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
