If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
