My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
