Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
