I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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