he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh god it's open bar.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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