Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
