I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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