I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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