remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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