Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
