I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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