what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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