Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
