Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
