"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
