Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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