I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
