There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
