Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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