new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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