It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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