he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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