i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
