That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
