Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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