ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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