I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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