Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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