oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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