I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
