My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
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Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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