I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
