I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
