Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
