I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
