It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need water and some morals
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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