I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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