4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
