Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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