i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
