Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
