A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
