Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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