I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
