I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
