just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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