Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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